Stand Harder
by spacemonkey69
Summary: Sequel to One Night Stand...complete, please read and review!


Okay, I wasnt going to write a sequel...but an idea popped into my head, and I suddenly knew I had to! Oh, and it was so much fun! I must tell you all that there is quite a bit of reference to Family Guy in this (in fact, when Chandler is typing, they are basically acting out a scene from the family guy movie) but I thought it would jsut go well! And I was right, me thinks! There is also something I stole from Simpsons...you may pick up on it, you may not!Please read and review and I love you all!

I do not own friends/actors/characters/Family Guy/Simpsons, but I do own EPISODES of those three shows...NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

* * *

"What about One Night Stand Two: Stand Harder?"

Rachel stared at Chandler for a long moment, unable to believe what had just been suggested.

"Well?" Chandler prompted after the silence stretched on; tension thick in the air. They had been at this for a while, and nerves were frayed.

"Chandler, this is not a Bruce Willis movie, this is important!"

"Hey! Bruce Willis is important! _Die Hard _is important!"

"It is not!"

"Man, you better hope that Joey isn't within ear shot, I tell you," Chandler growled.

"Oh, what is he going to do? What are _you _going to do?"

"I won't write this story with you, that's what! And Joey, he'll support me, every step of the way!"

"I don't need you anyway!" Rachel yelled. Chandler stood, blood shot eyes ablaze.

"Fine! You know what?"

"What?"

"You know what?"

"What?"

"You know what?"

"_What!"_

"I'm gonna go then!"

"Fine, you go! You go get your precious sleep! God, can't even go through two days without sleep, how weak are you?"

Chandler faltered in his steps, then turned to face her. "Yeah, well the rooftop scene sucked!" Rachel let out a horrified gasp, covering her mouth in shock. Chandler sneered – a look that was most unbecoming on him – then turned and left the apartment, door slamming behind him.

"Oh, the nerve," Rachel growled, standing and pacing. "I can't believe him! The rooftop scene was far better then the barn scene. And throbbing manhood is _stupid!"_

The door flew open and Rachel stopped her pacing, staring at Chandler, who was staring back at her.

"One; the barn scene ruled _all_. Two; throbbing manhood is much better then lovestick, and we are _not _having that conversation again. And three; you are in _my _apartment!"

Rachel glanced around, surprised to find that he was right. She hadn't even realised. Guess that is what happens when you mix lack of sleep with twenty pounds of brewed coffee beans. She turned back to Chandler, desperate to argue some more.

"Does it matter? You are the one who stormed out! You should be the one who has to stay out! You should sleep in the hallway, with nothing to keep you warm, and you should suffer!"

"Should I?"

"Yes!"

"Should I?"

"Yes!"

"_Should I?"_

"_Oh my god! Yes!"_

"Well, I'm not gonna! You are!"

"Oh no buddy, you are not kicking me out!" Chandler cocked his eyebrow.

"Aren't I?"

"Nope, I'm staying right here!"

"Is that a fact?"

"Yep, and you are the one leaving!"

"So what, you are gonna sleep in my bed, and I'm gonna go and sleep in yours, and _you _are the one who is going to be subjected to Joey's naked night terrors?"

"Joey has naked night terrors?" Rachel asked after a surprised beat.

"Eh, they come and go…is that what you want?"

"Well, I guess it is!"

"Well, you ain't getting it sister! I am not giving up the naked night terrors!"

"And you wonder why people think you are gay!" A thought crossed Rachel's mind, followed by a smarmy smirk. "In fact…"

"What? In fact, what?"

"Oh, you'll see!"

Rachel sat down in front of the lap top and began to quickly type, a crazed look covering her face. Chandler stared at her for a moment, then slowly moved forward, curious as to what she was writing. He leaned over her shoulder, then let out a shocked gasp.

"_You were having night terrors again Joe."_

"_Really? Or was that just an excuse?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I'm starting to wonder if these night terrors are really real Chandler…in fact, I'm starting to think that it is just an excuse to touch me while I'm naked."_

_Joey's voice was smooth like velvet, and Chandler could see lust in his brown eyes-_

"Hey! Stop!"

_A look that made Chandler yearn for more._

"_Joey?"_

"_Yes Chandler?"_

"_I'm happy to say that you've figured me out."_

"_Well then, I think I might need some comforting from my night terrors."_

"_You mean-"_

"_I mean some serious stroking." A boyish smile spread across Chandler's face as Joey pulled back his bedcovers, exposing his-_

"That's enough!" Chandler shrieked, pulling Rachel away from the computer. She let out a devilish laugh.

"Oh, come on! You were just about to grab his-"

"I don't want to know what I was about to grab!"

"It would make a good chapter for the story," Rachel said after a beat. Chandler stared at her, mouth hanging open. "For the gay community…and the females."

"F-Females?"

"Oh yeah, girls _love _guy on guy, just like guys love girl on girl! I thought you would know that!"

"Really? But…it's gross!" Chandler exclaimed.

"So is girl on girl!"

"But, that's different!"

"How?"

"Girls are much more sexier!"

"To guy's maybe!"

"Fine, you want your guy on guy, you get it! But only if I can write what I want to!"

"Fine...wait, what?" But it was too late. Chandler was already sitting in front of the computer, his fingers hitting the keys quickly. "Chandler-"

"If you want to be of use, make some coffee woman! We need brain food!"

"You mean drink?"

"Same thing! Now do it!"

Rachel shrugged, reaching over for the coffee. Chandler continued to type, his eerily unblinking; mouth twisted into a sick grin.

* * *

"Chandler!"

"What?"

"You're barely making any sense any more!"

"Don't need to be!"

"Maybe you should slow down!"

"Why? We're making good time!"

"But Chandler, it doesn't make any sense!"

"Huh?"

"I said, it doesn't make any sense!"

"Don't need to be!"

"What?"

"What?"

"_What?"_

"Oh man, can you imagine the guys who used to write their porn with stone and chisels? Pioneers Rach! We share their spirit! Manifest destiny!"

"Alright, that's it! Give me the laptop!"

"Go to hell!"

Rachel ripped the laptop from underneath Chandler's hands, then watched in amusement as he continued to type for a moment, before glancing at her in surprise.

"Hey!"

"Chandler, you have had seven cups of coffee in the last twenty minutes, and I can't be sure, but I think that you slipped something into a few of them!"

"Whisky! It didn't taste good, but man _alive_ it helps me stay awake!"

"Whisky and coffee?"

"Yeah, and I need to pee so bad! But I can't; it will throw off my groove!"

"Chandler, you have already written thirty pages in the last hour, and half of it is gibberish! Your groove is _gone!"  
_Chandler stared at Rachel for a second, then pointed an accusing finger at her. "I don't think you are drunk! I think you are just pretending!"

"I'm not even pretending!"

"Then you admit it!"

"Yes! How could I be drunk? You've been hogging it all!"

"You didn't even _know _there was whisky until I just told you! All you knew of was the coffee. Sitting there, drinking your coffee, while I write our Pulitzer Prize winning porno! And you call _me _lazy!"

"Chandler, I didn't even get any coffee! You've been hogging _that _too!"

"Bummer!" Chandler reached for the laptop, rolling his eyes as Rachel pulled it away. "Rach! I'm not finished!"

"No! You go pee; I'm gonna read what you have written, and try to make sense of it all! Go!"

Grumbling, Chandler wandered off towards the bathroom. Rachel watched him shut the door, then sighed, wishing that her caffeine high was still in full swing. "I need a drink," she muttered as she glanced down at the screen, starting to read the last few paragraphs that Chandler had written.

"_Lovestick…felt great on my skin," Rachel whispered. Monica nodded in agreement._

"_Yeah, we should do it again…this time with a throbbing manhood though."_

"_Yeah, Chandler's…he is, after all, the king!"_

"_Yeah, and maybe he can do another naked scarf dance for us!"_

"_Maybe later, but first…what do you say? Why don't we go for it again?" Rachel raised her eyebrow suggestively. "I promise, I'm gonna make your toes curl so much that they will be up to your knees."_

"_Is that a promise?"_

"_If not, you get Joey's Volvo."_

"_Deal." Rachel rolled on top of Monica's naked body, ready to make her lover's toes curl once more. Suddenly the door flew open. Rachel and Monica both gasped, then moved their glances over to the doorway. Chandler stood, wearing a crown and holding a sceptre; his body naked with the exception of the pink scarf wrapped around his waist._

"_Oh! King Chandler!"_

"_I am here to pleasure you, ladies." Chandler strode into the room, glancing around it suspiciously. "But first, I need to find Joey's Volvo. I have left his naked body to find it for him…where is it?"_

"_It's parked outside," Rachel offered. _

"_Thanks…and now, prepare yourself…for the scarf dance of the king!"_

"_Chandler, we're kinda busy here, if you don't mind."_

"_Oh, that's okay; your king wouldn't mind watching _that!" _Chandler sat down, taking off his crown and placing his sceptre on the ground. "But then after, the four of us are going back out to the barn; I hear Mr Ed is ready and willing."_

"_Okay, but only if Bambi joins us," Rachel pleaded._

"_I'm already here girls! Wouldn't miss this for the world!" Bambi sat down next to Chandler._

"_Hey, hey, hey!" Fat Albert exclaimed, entering in nothing but a towel. "Time for me to get some lovin'!"_

"_Ah! Night terrors!" Joey screamed, running into the room, bare ass covered in whipped cream. Chandler's eyes widened._

"_Is that where I left my dessert?"_

Rachel cocked her eyebrow, scrolling further down the page. From that point on, it stopped making sense – not that it really had beforehand – and started to read like a who's who of porno crap. Although she was impressed that the spelling was correct on all counts.

"You like?" Chandler asked as he stumbled out of the bathroom, fly still undone. Rachel studied him for a second, then glanced back at the screen. "I am definitely going to need a drink."

* * *

"All I'm saying, is that Bambi could kick Mr Ed's ass, if Bambi was provoked!"

"That is crazy!" Chandler exclaimed, steadying himself.

"You're crazy!"

"Not as crazy as you!"

"You're drunk!"

"You're sexy!"

"I know!" Rachel laughed, pouring herself another drink with an unsteady hand. "Hey…shouldn't…hey…hey…Chandler!"

"What!"

"Hey!"

"Hey what?"

"Shouldn't Joey be home by now?"

"M-Maybe…maybe he hooked up?" Chandler suggested after a long moment, glancing at the clock with blurry eyes.

"He's cheating on you!"

"That bastard! I ought to…why I ought to kick his ass! Will you help me?"

"No…but you could ask Bambi?" Rachel suggested, handing Chandler a drink. He took it with trembling hands.

"Good plan…you got his phone number?"

Rachel frowned, then grabbed her purse. She rummaged through it, her frown growing deeper. "I'm sure it's in here somewhere."

"Nah, don't bother, I've decided to forgive Joe…I mean, we were only lovers in a story, you know? You don't know? Yes you do…like you and Mon! You wouldn't care if Mon slept with someone else, because it would not techni...techni…it wouldn't be cheating! Because it was only in a story…"

"Monica slept with someone else?"

"W-What?"

"Did she? Tell me who!" Rachel grabbed Chandler's shirt, pulling him closer. "Was it you? Did you sleep with my girl?"

"Mon? No! I wouldn't touch her with a…a pole, ten foot or other…!"

"What?"

"I don't know!"

"Well, alright….now hand me that…that…give me that thing!"

"What thing?"

"The thing that…with all the words!"

"The computer?"

"Yes! We have to finish the story!" Chandler grabbed the computer and slid it towards Rachel; careful not to drop it on the ground. "Here you go, Miss Green."

"Thankyou, Mr Bing."

"You're welcome, Miss Green."

"No, you're welcome, Mr Bing."

"Mrs Bing!"

"What?"

"We should get married!" Chandler exclaimed as Rachel began to type.

"What? Why?"

"Because, it would be cool! Fat Albert could walk you down the aisle!"

"What about my dad?"

"No, he's Mr Green…I'm gonna be the only Mr Green at the wedding…"

"But…but you're Mr Bing!"

"Not when we are married!"

"Yeah…you don't take my name Chandler, I…I take yours. Rachel Karen Bing…I like it! In fact, I love it!"

"Chandler Muriel Green," Chandler pondered, then shook his head. "You're right…I shouldn't take your name."

"Muriel?"

"You got a problem?"

"N-No…Muriel?"

"Wedding is off, Chico!"

"I-I'm sorry! Muriel is very sexy," Rachel muttered as she continued to type. "In fact, I'm gonna write that Ross is turned on by your middle name."

"Yeah, he would be…and hey! I just…I just…hey Rach?"

"Yes Chandler?"

"Ross will be Mr Green at the wedding!"

"What? Why?"

"Because he'll be green with envy!"

Rachel watched as Chandler dissolved into a fit of giggles. "Your jokes get….I swear they get badder as you get drunker."

"You better not be that mean when we are married." Chandler shook a finger at her warningly.

"Okay, I promise…now, should…is Ross…uhh…"

"What?"

"I don't remember….what should we call this story?"

"Whatever you want baby." Chandler winked at Rachel, who giggled.

"Well, I was…I was thinking that Bruce Willis _is _pretty cool, so…so maybe we, uh, we could, you know…call it that?"

"Bruce Willis? Yeah…yeah, that's a pretty cool name."

"No! No, not that you duckface moron!"

"D-Duckface…what?"

"No! One Night Stand Two: Stand Harder! I like it! I love it! I'm gonna marry that, as well as…as…"

"Me?"

"As you! Yes! Thankyou! Now…onto more press…more important stuff…uh…something about Ross…"

"How he's Mr Green?"

"No…oh! Should Ross be grasping your lovestick here, or should…should he be, uh, stroking your throbbing manhood?"

"You know the answer to that one Rach!"

"I…uh, I do?"

"The second one! Mine is better!"

"Hey! I…I agreed to your stupid title! You should be kissing my, my feet over this!"

"You didn't agree to it! You-you tried to-to marry it, you whore!"

"You're the whore! No-now kiss my stupid feet!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Lovestick forever!"

"Throbben ma…"

"You…you can't even say yours anymore!"

"Can too! Throbbing manhood! Ha! I'm not as you drunk I thought!"

"Maybe so, but Lovestick!"

"Manhood!"

"Lovestick!"

"Manhood!"

"Lovestick!"

"_Manhood!"_

Chandler and Rachel both stared at one another, faces flushed red. Seconds later, Rachel was wrapped in Chandler's arms, his lips beating down on hers relentlessly. She pulled away minutes later, staring up at him.

"Your…uh…your…your…"

"My…"

"Your lovestick is digging into my, uh, hip…"

"It's…it's manhood…and that's a spoon," Chandler said after a beat. Rachel glanced down, then back up at him.

"Oh thank god…I was a bit…uh, you know…disappointed for a second there."

"You're drunk!"

"And you're sexy! Now come on…let's go make Ross Mr Green!"

"Yeah! And then after, the wedding!" they stumbled, hand in hand towards Chandler's bedroom, leaving the computer for later. As the door closed, all that could be heard was their final whispers.

"Chandler…"

"Yeah…."

"Why do you have a…a spoon…in your pocket?"

"Just…just in case anybody drowned in the bowel of Captain Crunch…you know…somebody had to save them."

"You're so brave."

"I know."


End file.
